Thank the Lord, we have been very fortunate
in that when our elder son was two years old, and our daughter just born, the
New York District True Jesus Church (Elizabeth Church) started having family
services, then became a prayer house, and finally established a church in our
area. Almost from the beginning, some
devoted sisters instituted Religious Education; therefore, all of our three
children were able to grow in a spiritual environment. There is no doubt that this has many
advantages. However, it is wrong to
think that all parents have to do is to give their children the opportunity to
grow in such a setting. Did not Samuel
and Eli's children live all their lives in the temple? Thus, bringing children to a spiritual
atmosphere is the most correct, but only the first, way to raise them. There are many other factors which are also
very important.
The remainder of this article will
be a collection of our past experiences, randomly recapitulated, I hope that it
may be of some benefit to some readers, but it is certainly not intended to
serve as the definitive guide for rearing children. I wish to take this opportunity to express my
thanks to the Lord; may all the glory and praise be
unto His name.
I believe that the task of rearing
children can be divided into three stages: first, pregnancy to elementary
school; second, junior and senior high, and third, post-high school. During the first and most important human
developmental stage, parents have a tremendous responsibility to their
children; much like a flower or tree that has just germinated and started its
new life, children are exquisitely sensitive to every
aspect of their surroundings. Parents
should make the utmost effort to cultivate and lead them to develop a sound and
excellent foundation in life, in accordance with the teachings of the
Bible. One of the most precious and
effective methods of doing this is love.
If you can love your children even to the smallest detail, you will
achieve satisfactory results.
1) A safe and happy childhood
Lo, sons are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit
of the womb a reward. (Ps 127:3)
Life starts in the mother's womb,
and her emotions can thus affect the health of the future newborn. The importance of prenatal influences cannot
be overemphasized. During pregnancy,
then, the mother should try to live a tranquil and pleasant life, with much
spiritual nurture, so that the fetus may have a desirable atmosphere in which
to grow. We were a home of two
breadwinners, but my wife felt weak and needed rest to restore her strength
after four miscarriages. It was during
her yearlong leave of absence that we were surprisingly blessed with the birth
of our elder son, thank God! In order to
bear the responsibility of being a fulltime mother, she decided to quit her
job. Two years later, our daughter was
born, and our younger son another two years later.
A newborn may appear to know
nothing, but (s)he is very sensitive to your
love. Babies will often stare at you
persistently, and whether it be your smile, anger,
cheer, or solemnity, can sense all your emotions. So, never consider caring for a baby a
burden; it should instead be regarded as an enjoyable privilege. Even the most seemingly unpleasant of tasks,
such as changing diapers, should be carried out cheerfully. They are truly
nothing compared with the happiness you will receive from your children.
Before our elder son was one year
old, we followed the American custom of letting him sleep by himself. Later, we found out that the traditional
Chinese way of having him sleep in the same room with us might be better. Even after a full day spent with their
parents, babies still prefer to sleep with their mother.
During the early years, the
children's safety is of the utmost importance.
All potential accidents should be avoided, taking into consideration
unsafe furniture, toys, etc. All
medicines, household cleaners, insecticides, etc. should be stored out of reach
of the child. Special care should be
taken if there is a swimming pool nearby.
During the growing years, parents
should try to create favorable conditions for their children's physical
activities. In good weather, ideally
children should play in a backyard playground, nearby park or lakeside, or even
at an amusement park. This is the
perfect time to enjoy family love and joy in which both parents and children
are happy together.
2) Family religious education
Before entering junior high
school, children spend most of their time at home with their parents. Thus, parents automatically have a tremendous
influence on their children. They will hear
every word you utter and watch every movement you make, and all will be
considered worthy of imitation. The
phrase "monkey see, monkey do" in this case is wholly appropriate. Therefore, from the start you can easily sow
many valuable seeds of love and faith in God.
Children should be taught that God is a spirit that is omnipresent,
omniscient, and omnipotent. God loves
the world, and He loves the little children even more.
Everything that we have is from
God, so we should thank God all the time.
Every day we should pray with thanks at least before every meal and at
bedtime. When things go smoothly, and
especially when we receive an honor or reward, these are all the grace of God,
so naturally we should give thanks and give the honor and glory to Him. When we are in difficulty or illness, these
too could be the will of God, In these circumstances
we should pray for God's mercy, help, and guidance. Besides weekly religious education received
at church, it is of benefit to hold a short family gathering at home each
evening, consisting of hymn singing, Bible reading and stories, and
prayer. Such a practice can be
automatically established as a precious tradition within your family. Your children can look forward to
participating in this service each day, and it in combination with church
activities will gradually promote the growth of a strong faith in God, which
will not be eradicated easily.
3) A tranquil and harmonious home
Children spend only a few hours in
the church each Sabbath, but the remainder of their time at home. In the church, they can learn the wonderful
teachings of the Bible and witness the harmony and love among the
believers. However, if at home the situation
is completely different, i.e. bickering between parents, and no evidence of
either love or harmony, the children will naturally feel that what they
experience at church is nothing but hypocrisy, of everyone putting up a false
front for a few hours. If this kind of
feeling persists, it is unavoidable that their faith will be greatly
damaged. Thank God, if my wife and I may
boast here in the name of our Lord Jesus, it is of a special blessing that we
have received from Him, During our thirty plus years
together, we have never had a serious quarrel.
Occasionally, we have suffered a difference of opinion, but our argument
would always be resolved shortly, "before sundown", as the Bible
teaches us (Eph 4:26). The reason for
this is that we have kept a mutual agreement, made right after our wedding,
that we will never become angry at the same time. In this situation, there could never be a
real fight. If one of us begins to show
anger, the other will stay away, often to pray.
In our evening family services, when we both recite the Lord's prayer with our children, with the phrase, "and forgive
us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors," any minor
disagreements are automatically forgotten, as each of us repents to God and
asks His forgiveness and guidance. When
children can see that their home is tranquil and harmonious, and think of other
broken families they may have seen or heard about, they will instinctively
sense their good fortune and thank God f or His blessings.
4) Lead children to the right path through teaching
and correction
Train up a child in the
way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov 22:6)
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who
loves him is diligent to discipline him.(Prov 13:24)
As soon as they are old enough to
understand simple instruction, children should be taught to have good habits,
and corrected when necessary. For
example, during their growing years, children need enough sleep, but usually
don't like to go to bed. A firm schedule
should be made and children should be told to keep to it. If they are instead allowed to set their own
rules, not only will their health be affected, but also they might grow into
disobedience and bad temper. But,
discipline should always be based on love; prove to them that the reason for a
correction or chastisement is because their parents love them and don't want
them to go astray. Most of the time,
youngsters understand their parents' good intentions, and will try to please
you when they sense your love and encouragement. Physical discipline, and even scolding, is
rarely necessary. But, when discipline
becomes essential, both parents should be in one accord; otherwise, the child
will not know whom to follow. It is a
wise policy for both parents to avoid disciplining the child simultaneously, so
that one can act as a mediator and explain the purpose behind the teachings,
and assure them that it is to their benefit to obey their parents, who will
never seek to be their adversary.
We do not believe in corporal
punishment; thus, we don't remember ever spanning our children. This conviction
may have been established through my own past experiences. When I was a child, I was beaten twice by my
father. Although I harbor no bitterness
towards him, since sixty years ago this practice was commonplace, when I look
back on it I truly believe that those beatings were completely
unnecessary. If my experience is the
norm, a child probably cannot remember being physically punished before the age
of three or four, but will remember it all his/ her life if it occurred after
five or six years of age. We believe
that a serious warning is enough to reverse a child's wrongdoing. It becomes a different matter if a child is
extremely perverse. In discipline, like
in any other matter, prayer to God for His guidance is important, especially
when a difficult situation arises.
As long as it does not interfere
with their schoolwork, it is a good practice to give children some chores
around the house, to train them to develop a feeling of responsibility. However, we don't agree with those who pay
their children for the work that they do.
A home belongs to every member in it, each of whom has the
responsibility of helping with the housework.
Special services held in the home present a good opportunity for
everyone to share in the task of serving God: the mother in the kitchen, the
father and children helping to clean and set up, etc.
5) God provides an excellent learning environment
Sometimes, God's arrangement for
His children is truly wonderful. In 1969
1 transferred to a new position, and we moved to Princeton Junction, New Jersey, a hamlet situated only two or three miles
from the famous PrincetonUniversity. The general area was very pleasant, and was
known to be one of the top ten research centers in the nation. However, the township of West Windsor,
in which we resided, had not been developed, and its population was still too
low to have a high school within the school system. This was naturally a matter of concern to
us. Fortunately, soon after we moved to
the area, the township developed very rapidly, and the population
skyrocketed. In a few years, a regional
high school known as the West Windsor-Plainsboro High School was born, and sat
only seven-tenths of a mile away from our house. Even more remarkable was the fact that within
ten years this young high school became one of the top ten schools in the
state. Thank God, our children were thus
given an excellent place in which to learn and develop. In such circumstances, it is less likely for
a child to go astray, as they are too occupied with keeping up with the general
standards in study and development.
In study, we prefer the balanced
approach, which had already become the norm in this school system. This encourages students to develop in areas outside
of book learning; extracurricular activities such as art, music, sports, etc.
are important, These kinds of things have extra
benefits. They can help a child make new
friends, broaden their interests, and teach them to work in groups. Besides, there won't be a shortage of piano
players during family service!
6) Desirable companions
It is very important for young
people to have their own friends or companions, a group of people with similar
personalities and interests. Humans, as
well as most animals, tend to live in groups.
In this society, especially for the young, one might be accused of being
a "loner" or "anti-social" if he lacks friends or doesn't
belong to a certain group. This is why peer pressure and the influence of friends is so important. Children should be encouraged to have
friends, but it is extremely
important that these friends be desirable, and not a harmful
influence. Parents should be constantly
watchful of the friends and playmates their children have. If we are sure that some of their friends may
have a bad influence on them, we must try our best to convince our children to
keep away from them. Sometimes children
are too young to recognize a bad influence, and parents may not be alert
enough; after a period of time, it may become too late either to dissolve the
relationship or to prevent our children from being influenced. I thank God that He provided us with a school
system and area that was relatively free from this type of problem. We not only warned our children about this,
though, we also watched carefully to see what type of friends they chose, and
prayed to God to always lead them, Thus, we had no problems in this respect.
7) Pleasant and leisurely routines
In order to keep children in good
health, parents can constantly find ways to keep them active and happy. Besides providing them with the usual
requirements of good nutrition, enough sleep, proper exercise, and a healthy
environment, it is a good idea to have routine activities in which the whole
family can participate. This will
strengthen family ties and at the same time increase enjoyment in life. Of course, the evening family service and
weekly church attendance together are the best of habits to develop-"the
family that prays together, stays together."
Like most American families, we
would take a vacation together at least once a year. When the children were very young, we would
put them in the back of the station wagon and drive them to a place they could
enjoy for a few days. Everybody enjoyed
this type of vacation, as they were truly happy-go-lucky and carefree. After the children were older, we took longer
trips in order to broaden their scope and increase their interests. Every year we'd start to plan early, allowing
everyone to make suggestions as to where to go (with the parents making the
final decision, of course.) We often traveled to places where I had scientific
conventions; thus, the trips were an opportunity for both work and play. Children will enjoy these trips very much, as
they will instinctively feel the joy of living, the love of their parents, and
the blessings of God.
8) Establish a correct philosophy of life
The real trick in raising children
lies in a balance between love and discipline, neither neglecting nor
overprotecting. It is a difficult
job. But, we Christians have learned
from the Bible that our Heavenly Father uses this exact method towards His
children, the believers. He loves us
down to the smallest detail, yet when we sin against Him, He will chastise
us. We would do well to learn from the
Bible how to balance love and discipline.
A very helpful way to do this is to teach your children, from very early
on, a correct philosophy towards life.
If children can hold an attitude that is the same or similar to that of
their parents, things will be much simpler.
It is like a Christian who believes, and tries hard to live according to
the teachings of the Bible, and whose chances of sinning and offending God are
subsequently greatly minimized.
There are two ways to view life:
quantitatively and qualitatively. People
of the world usually overemphasize the quantitative aspect of life, namely,
anything that can be measured by number or degree: how much money to make, how
expensive an automobile to drive, how large a house to live in, how high a
position to achieve, etc. Many times
these people already have more than enough of everything, but they still strive
for more and higher. Unfortunately, this
never seems to satisfy them, and the end result is an unfulfilled and miserable
life.
A person who believes in God and
has learned from the Bible the value of the qualitative aspect of life, on the
other hand, should realize that money, car, house, or position are not the most
important things in life. We all have
heard of millionaires, generals and commanders, kings and emperors, even Nobel prize winners, who felt that life was hopeless and committed
suicide, but nobody has ever heard of a truly happy person doing the same. This simple fact clearly shows that the top
priority in life is peace, contentment, and happiness, not anything
quantitative. Naturally, if one is
blessed with knowledge, income, or position, as long as it does not contradict
the teachings of the Bible, there is nothing wrong, but one should in any case
live a holy, thankful, and productive life that honors God and benefits
humanity, not one that "makes provision for the flesh, to gratify its
desires" (Rom 13:14). Inasmuch as
we understand this truth, we should thus slowly indoctrinate into our children
this correct philosophy of life. Parents
should not give luxurious clothes or expensive cars to their children, for them
to show off. Even if blessed with
wealth, parents should still teach children the virtue of frugality. The Bible teaches us, "if we have food and clothing with these we shall be
content" (Tim 6:8). If a person
fears God and does all according to His will, he will have peace; if one can be
content, he will have happiness, and all other things are secondary.
9) Do not provoke children to anger
Each child has his or her own
personality and character, even two siblings; therefore, each must be treated
accordingly. Some children have a strong
personality, and are reluctant to accept criticism. These children may be best approached through
suggestions, without compelling, discussing with reason, and persuading rather
than ordering. In contrast, to a child
with an adaptive attitude, who easily accepts advice or guidance, one should
try to lead with love, never impelling or pushing or taking advantage of his or
her congenial personality. No matter
what type of personality a child has, a parent should never speak to them with
sarcasm, using words like, "You're no good", "you shame your
parents", "we've lost hope in you", etc. This kind of talk has no benefit, except to
allow parents to vent their spleen; it will certainly hurt a child's
self-esteem. Parents can only treat
their children's shortcomings with sympathy and patience; any difficulty should
be overcome with love, much as our heavenly Father uses love towards us. A warm home is a place in which every member
can trust and depend on one another, not a house of correction. Another important Bible teaching that we should
all remember is never to show partiality.
Do not give extra favor because one child is more obedient, better in
school, or for any other reason.
Partiality not only contradicts God's teaching, it will cause friction
and even hatred between siblings. If
parents use love as their most important tool towards their children, and
influence them into doing likewise among themselves, then they have fulfilled a
substantial part of their responsibility as parents.
10) Pray to the Lord to bring His good work to
completion
We Christians know that children
belong to God, who entrusts parents as His stewards. We thus have the responsibility to bring them
to God in the best way we can. It is our
belief that if a person can attach himself closely to God all his life, he will
have endless blessings, like water flowing from a spring. Therefore, from the beginning we have
constantly prayed to God to bless our children spiritually, according to His
will.
The year 1980 brought great joy to
our home. I and the two boys received
the Holy Spirit in succession, and our daughter was moved and later also
received the Holy Spirit after much prayer.
Thank God for granting the Holy Spirit to our whole family! After receiving this gift, the children
manifested apparent changes in behavior.
For example, they were no longer interested in noisy modern music, and
turned to classical music and hymns.
They also had an obvious improvement in their spirituality in general,
thus acknowledging that our many years of painstaking teaching and guidance had
been along the correct path. They
learned to believe that, "under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor
the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent,
nor favor to the men of skill, but time and chance happen to them all"
(Eccles 9:11-12). Everything is in God's
hands, therefore all achievements, rewards, and glory belong to him, and all we
must do is give thanks.
If properly brought up, children
should be soundly grounded on the correct philosophy of life after high
school. At this point, parents should
gradually increase their confidence in them, and train them to be
independent. Try your best to maintain
confidence in them, so that they will have the feeling of being trusted by
you. They will then be more prudent in
dealing with people and other things, in order to keep the trust which they
usually value highly.
A very ordinary example is when
children begin to drive. After they
receive their license, teach them to be very careful and responsible. After a while, they will earn your trust, and
there will be no problem when they want to use the family car. In some families, as we often see on
television, this can be a source of great conflict, because parents who are
concerned about their children's safety and lack of experience are reluctant to
allow their children use of the car. The
children then feel that their parents do not trust them and are still treating
them as "children". This
overprotection on the part of the parents and frustration on the part of the
children can easily cause friction and lead to unpleasantness. If instead, you approach your children with
trust, they will feel honored to have gained your confidence. In truth, we should take the same attitude in
all our interactions with our children, to promote their confidence and
independence.
Some parents, realizing that
school is a very important matter, are often over-anxious to have their
children perform well, and therefore exert the incorrect tactic of putting
pressure on them. They may try to coerce
or even force their children to get better grades, restricting their
extracurricular activities and other means of recreation. To us, these actions are extremely unwise,
and almost always end up hurting rather than helping the children, It is highly desirable for parents to render the proper sort
of help and encouragement to their children, but the last thing they need and
want is more pressure or obstruction from home.
As mentioned earlier, each person has his or her own personality and
characteristics. A person who wants to
get ahead will automatically try hard to achieve this; on the other hand, if a
person does not care to climb to the top, outside pressure will only harm his
or her self-esteem, and cause antagonism.
After all, top grades or high honors in school are not the only way to
achieve; they may in fact be of little relevance to a person's future
happiness.
When they have reached the proper
age, children will face the important tasks of choosing a profession and a
future spouse. Our policy in these
matters is that parents should only play the role of overseer or supervisor,
rather than legislator or dictator.
This means that you can only act
as a counselor and give advice or suggestions, but should not set any rules for
them to follow, or issue directives that they must obey. In fact, unless there is serious doubt, no
interference should be made. This
philosophy is reasonable, because career and matrimony are the most important
matters in your children's lives, and they should be the best ones to know what
they really want. A careful decision
will prevent lifelong regret.
In the I
9th century, under feudalistic Chinese custom, parents would often betroth
their children while they were very young, as well as deciding their future
professions. When society was still very
simple and conservative, this practice might have been able to survive;
however, when Western customs spread into China, feudalism was considered to
be backward, and young people rebelled fiercely against it, resulting in
countless tragedies. Now that the 20th
century is almost over and we are living in a democratic society, such
feudalistic thoughts should have already become obsolete. However, some people, hoping for great
success for their offspring, still secretly decide on the profession their
children will follow. They wish that
their children become either a doctor or a lawyer. If a child happens to have a strong interest
in one of these areas, naturally there is no problem, but oftentimes the child
in fact has neither interest or potential proficiency
in such an area. Consequently, it would
be a serious mistake if parents insisted on the fulfillment of their own
phantom ideas.
In truth, as parents our utmost
wish for our children should be their happiness, peace, and joy. Their profession, amount of income, or position
is not that important. Therefore, if a
child has a strong interest in a certain profession, as long as there is
nothing detrimental about it, parents should not interfere. Of course, if he or she chooses a profession
in which income is derived illegally, or a profession that is clearly against
Christian teachings (e.g. liquor store, casino operator) parents have the duty
to stand resolutely against it.
Otherwise, all professions are acceptable. There is nothing wrong with being a farmer or
laborer as long as they are happy doing it.
A happy farmer is far better than a miserable doctor or lawyer.
Matrimony is the same. If the child has a strong interest in a
certain person, as long as there is no serious problem parents can only serve
as a counselor, giving advice but not interfering. In case there is a serious problem,
recognized by the parents but not by the child, an honest and careful analysis
and discussion should be undertaken between parents and child. The child should understand that his/her
parents' concern is due to their love.
Matters such as profession and matrimony are so important that we should
naturally pray constantly, seeking God's guidance, and hoping every step we
take is according to His will.
Finally, we are thankful, from the
bottom of our hearts, to our Lord, who has kindly entrusted us as stewards of
His children. In this wicked and sinful
world, bringing up children is truly an uneasy task, but with God's arrangement
and guidance, it has been a smooth and pleasant journey for us. Although there have been numerous fearful
episodes of illness and danger, every one of them has been overcome thanks to
God's power and grace. In American
society today, it is almost a constant worry of parents that their children
become addicted to such habits as smoking, drinking, even drugs. To us, this is virtually impossible. Under the supervision of parents, Religious
Education, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, children can be fully aware and
understanding of the vicious nature of these habits, and the calamity they
would cause. Therefore, all things
considered, it has been a truly pleasant experience and privilege to have
brought up children for the Lord, to whom we can only feel deep thankfulness.
Thank the Lord, our children, though they still have much to improve on, will
hopefully have no problems in their basic faith. From now on, we can only respectfully turn
them over to the Lord, and pray that He will continue to guide them and edify them,
so they will live by the Spirit, walk by the Spirit, and live a life that will
honor God and benefit man. If chosen by
God for His service, we should all make a great effort to serve Him, in order
to hopefully repay a minute portion of His grace.
Hallelujah, Amen!
