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 (Living Waters 5)
Beginning With Joel and Abijah

Beginning With Joel and Abijah-

Ramblings on Raising Children in America

W.C. Liu

The prophet Samuel was given by God to his mother Hannah after she prayed persistently and vowed to offer him to serve God all his life.  In accordance with her vow, Hannah sent Samuel to the temple when he was a young child.  From then, he ministered to the Lord, was blessed with wisdom and the Spirit, and was ultimately established as prophet of the Lord (I Sam 1:9-28; 3:19-21; 7:15).  Samuel had a wonderful life, one that truly honored God and benefited man.  He was not only loved by the people of his time, but also respected and honored by Israelites throughout the ages.  However, there was one aspect of Samuel's life that was regrettable, namely, his two sons.  The Bible does not describe the prophet's feelings towards them, but he must have been very sad when the Israelite elders came and told him, "Behold, you are old and your sons do not walk in your ways; now appoint for us a king to govern us like all the nations" (I Sam 8:5).  There was no longer anything he could do, because his two sons Joel and Abijah "did not walk in his ways, but turned aside after gain; they took bribes and perverted justice"(1 Sam 8:3).

From the examples of Samuel's sons, the two sons of Eli, and other Bible stories, it is easy to see that since the early ages, raising good children has been a tough task.  Our first ancestors have set us an example of corruption and disobedience, since the dawn of mankind.  Today, especially in the evil and sinful society of America, it is well known that rearing fine offspring is very difficult, Some time ago, a True Jesus Church preacher asked me about my experiences in raising my family.  I replied without a second thought that it is easier to get a doctor's degree than it is to raise good children.  Later, after thinking it over, I realized that my answer had not been an exaggeration.  Most college graduates, after a few years of study, can eventually obtain a Ph.D. However, it is much harder to bring up good children, who will live fruitful lives that honor God and benefit man.  A few years after our first conversation, the same preacher again asked me, "How did you bring up your children?" Again, I responded without hesitation.  "We only brought them to the Lord, and relied on Him to bring them up," I said, meaning that we only brought them to a spiritual atmosphere, and never carefully, studied or designed any other way to raise them.


Thank the Lord, we have been very fortunate in that when our elder son was two years old, and our daughter just born, the New York District True Jesus Church (Elizabeth Church) started having family services, then became a prayer house, and finally established a church in our area.  Almost from the beginning, some devoted sisters instituted Religious Education; therefore, all of our three children were able to grow in a spiritual environment.  There is no doubt that this has many advantages.  However, it is wrong to think that all parents have to do is to give their children the opportunity to grow in such a setting.  Did not Samuel and Eli's children live all their lives in the temple?  Thus, bringing children to a spiritual atmosphere is the most correct, but only the first, way to raise them.  There are many other factors which are also very important.

The remainder of this article will be a collection of our past experiences, randomly recapitulated, I hope that it may be of some benefit to some readers, but it is certainly not intended to serve as the definitive guide for rearing children.  I wish to take this opportunity to express my thanks to the Lord; may all the glory and praise be unto His name.

I believe that the task of rearing children can be divided into three stages: first, pregnancy to elementary school; second, junior and senior high, and third, post-high school.  During the first and most important human developmental stage, parents have a tremendous responsibility to their children; much like a flower or tree that has just germinated and started its new life, children are exquisitely sensitive to every aspect of their surroundings.  Parents should make the utmost effort to cultivate and lead them to develop a sound and excellent foundation in life, in accordance with the teachings of the Bible.  One of the most precious and effective methods of doing this is love.  If you can love your children even to the smallest detail, you will achieve satisfactory results.

1) A safe and happy childhood

            Lo, sons are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. (Ps 127:3)

Life starts in the mother's womb, and her emotions can thus affect the health of the future newborn.  The importance of prenatal influences cannot be overemphasized.  During pregnancy, then, the mother should try to live a tranquil and pleasant life, with much spiritual nurture, so that the fetus may have a desirable atmosphere in which to grow.  We were a home of two breadwinners, but my wife felt weak and needed rest to restore her strength after four miscarriages.  It was during her yearlong leave of absence that we were surprisingly blessed with the birth of our elder son, thank God!  In order to bear the responsibility of being a fulltime mother, she decided to quit her job.  Two years later, our daughter was born, and our younger son another two years later.

A newborn may appear to know nothing, but (s)he is very sensitive to your love.  Babies will often stare at you persistently, and whether it be your smile, anger, cheer, or solemnity, can sense all your emotions.  So, never consider caring for a baby a burden; it should instead be regarded as an enjoyable privilege.  Even the most seemingly unpleasant of tasks, such as changing diapers, should be carried out cheerfully. They are truly nothing compared with the happiness you will receive from your children.

Before our elder son was one year old, we followed the American custom of letting him sleep by himself.  Later, we found out that the traditional Chinese way of having him sleep in the same room with us might be better.  Even after a full day spent with their parents, babies still prefer to sleep with their mother.

During the early years, the children's safety is of the utmost importance.  All potential accidents should be avoided, taking into consideration unsafe furniture, toys, etc.  All medicines, household cleaners, insecticides, etc. should be stored out of reach of the child.  Special care should be taken if there is a swimming pool nearby.

During the growing years, parents should try to create favorable conditions for their children's physical activities.  In good weather, ideally children should play in a backyard playground, nearby park or lakeside, or even at an amusement park.  This is the perfect time to enjoy family love and joy in which both parents and children are happy together.

2) Family religious education

Before entering junior high school, children spend most of their time at home with their parents.  Thus, parents automatically have a tremendous influence on their children.  They will hear every word you utter and watch every movement you make, and all will be considered worthy of imitation.  The phrase "monkey see, monkey do" in this case is wholly appropriate.  Therefore, from the start you can easily sow many valuable seeds of love and faith in God.  Children should be taught that God is a spirit that is omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent.  God loves the world, and He loves the little children even more.

Everything that we have is from God, so we should thank God all the time.  Every day we should pray with thanks at least before every meal and at bedtime.  When things go smoothly, and especially when we receive an honor or reward, these are all the grace of God, so naturally we should give thanks and give the honor and glory to Him.  When we are in difficulty or illness, these too could be the will of God, In these circumstances we should pray for God's mercy, help, and guidance.  Besides weekly religious education received at church, it is of benefit to hold a short family gathering at home each evening, consisting of hymn singing, Bible reading and stories, and prayer.  Such a practice can be automatically established as a precious tradition within your family.  Your children can look forward to participating in this service each day, and it in combination with church activities will gradually promote the growth of a strong faith in God, which will not be eradicated easily.

3) A tranquil and harmonious home

Children spend only a few hours in the church each Sabbath, but the remainder of their time at home.  In the church, they can learn the wonderful teachings of the Bible and witness the harmony and love among the believers.  However, if at home the situation is completely different, i.e. bickering between parents, and no evidence of either love or harmony, the children will naturally feel that what they experience at church is nothing but hypocrisy, of everyone putting up a false front for a few hours.  If this kind of feeling persists, it is unavoidable that their faith will be greatly damaged.  Thank God, if my wife and I may boast here in the name of our Lord Jesus, it is of a special blessing that we have received from Him, During our thirty plus years together, we have never had a serious quarrel.  Occasionally, we have suffered a difference of opinion, but our argument would always be resolved shortly, "before sundown", as the Bible teaches us (Eph 4:26).  The reason for this is that we have kept a mutual agreement, made right after our wedding, that we will never become angry at the same time.  In this situation, there could never be a real fight.  If one of us begins to show anger, the other will stay away, often to pray.  In our evening family services, when we both recite the Lord's prayer with our children, with the phrase, "and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors," any minor disagreements are automatically forgotten, as each of us repents to God and asks His forgiveness and guidance.  When children can see that their home is tranquil and harmonious, and think of other broken families they may have seen or heard about, they will instinctively sense their good fortune and thank God f or His blessings.

4) Lead children to the right path through teaching and correction

            Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov 22:6)

            He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.(Prov 13:24)

As soon as they are old enough to understand simple instruction, children should be taught to have good habits, and corrected when necessary.  For example, during their growing years, children need enough sleep, but usually don't like to go to bed.  A firm schedule should be made and children should be told to keep to it.  If they are instead allowed to set their own rules, not only will their health be affected, but also they might grow into disobedience and bad temper.  But, discipline should always be based on love; prove to them that the reason for a correction or chastisement is because their parents love them and don't want them to go astray.  Most of the time, youngsters understand their parents' good intentions, and will try to please you when they sense your love and encouragement.  Physical discipline, and even scolding, is rarely necessary.  But, when discipline becomes essential, both parents should be in one accord; otherwise, the child will not know whom to follow.  It is a wise policy for both parents to avoid disciplining the child simultaneously, so that one can act as a mediator and explain the purpose behind the teachings, and assure them that it is to their benefit to obey their parents, who will never seek to be their adversary.

We do not believe in corporal punishment; thus, we don't remember ever spanning our children. This conviction may have been established through my own past experiences.  When I was a child, I was beaten twice by my father.  Although I harbor no bitterness towards him, since sixty years ago this practice was commonplace, when I look back on it I truly believe that those beatings were completely unnecessary.  If my experience is the norm, a child probably cannot remember being physically punished before the age of three or four, but will remember it all his/ her life if it occurred after five or six years of age.  We believe that a serious warning is enough to reverse a child's wrongdoing.  It becomes a different matter if a child is extremely perverse.  In discipline, like in any other matter, prayer to God for His guidance is important, especially when a difficult situation arises.

As long as it does not interfere with their schoolwork, it is a good practice to give children some chores around the house, to train them to develop a feeling of responsibility.  However, we don't agree with those who pay their children for the work that they do.  A home belongs to every member in it, each of whom has the responsibility of helping with the housework.  Special services held in the home present a good opportunity for everyone to share in the task of serving God: the mother in the kitchen, the father and children helping to clean and set up, etc.

5) God provides an excellent learning environment

Sometimes, God's arrangement for His children is truly wonderful.  In 1969 1 transferred to a new position, and we moved to Princeton Junction, New Jersey, a hamlet situated only two or three miles from the famous PrincetonUniversity.  The general area was very pleasant, and was known to be one of the top ten research centers in the nation.  However, the township of West Windsor, in which we resided, had not been developed, and its population was still too low to have a high school within the school system.  This was naturally a matter of concern to us.  Fortunately, soon after we moved to the area, the township developed very rapidly, and the population skyrocketed.  In a few years, a regional high school known as the West Windsor-Plainsboro High School was born, and sat only seven-tenths of a mile away from our house.  Even more remarkable was the fact that within ten years this young high school became one of the top ten schools in the state.  Thank God, our children were thus given an excellent place in which to learn and develop.  In such circumstances, it is less likely for a child to go astray, as they are too occupied with keeping up with the general standards in study and development.

In study, we prefer the balanced approach, which had already become the norm in this school system.  This encourages students to develop in areas outside of book learning; extracurricular activities such as art, music, sports, etc. are important, These kinds of things have extra benefits.  They can help a child make new friends, broaden their interests, and teach them to work in groups.  Besides, there won't be a shortage of piano players during family service!

6) Desirable companions

It is very important for young people to have their own friends or companions, a group of people with similar personalities and interests.  Humans, as well as most animals, tend to live in groups.  In this society, especially for the young, one might be accused of being a "loner" or "anti-social" if he lacks friends or doesn't belong to a certain group.  This is why peer pressure and the influence of friends is so important.  Children should be encouraged to have friends, but it is extremely  important that these friends be desirable, and not a harmful influence.  Parents should be constantly watchful of the friends and playmates their children have.  If we are sure that some of their friends may have a bad influence on them, we must try our best to convince our children to keep away from them.  Sometimes children are too young to recognize a bad influence, and parents may not be alert enough; after a period of time, it may become too late either to dissolve the relationship or to prevent our children from being influenced.  I thank God that He provided us with a school system and area that was relatively free from this type of problem.  We not only warned our children about this, though, we also watched carefully to see what type of friends they chose, and prayed to God to always lead them, Thus, we had no problems in this respect.

7) Pleasant and leisurely routines

In order to keep children in good health, parents can constantly find ways to keep them active and happy.  Besides providing them with the usual requirements of good nutrition, enough sleep, proper exercise, and a healthy environment, it is a good idea to have routine activities in which the whole family can participate.  This will strengthen family ties and at the same time increase enjoyment in life.  Of course, the evening family service and weekly church attendance together are the best of habits to develop-"the family that prays together, stays together."

Like most American families, we would take a vacation together at least once a year.  When the children were very young, we would put them in the back of the station wagon and drive them to a place they could enjoy for a few days.  Everybody enjoyed this type of vacation, as they were truly happy-go-lucky and carefree.  After the children were older, we took longer trips in order to broaden their scope and increase their interests.  Every year we'd start to plan early, allowing everyone to make suggestions as to where to go (with the parents making the final decision, of course.) We often traveled to places where I had scientific conventions; thus, the trips were an opportunity for both work and play.  Children will enjoy these trips very much, as they will instinctively feel the joy of living, the love of their parents, and the blessings of God.

8) Establish a correct philosophy of life

The real trick in raising children lies in a balance between love and discipline, neither neglecting nor overprotecting.  It is a difficult job.  But, we Christians have learned from the Bible that our Heavenly Father uses this exact method towards His children, the believers.  He loves us down to the smallest detail, yet when we sin against Him, He will chastise us.  We would do well to learn from the Bible how to balance love and discipline.  A very helpful way to do this is to teach your children, from very early on, a correct philosophy towards life.  If children can hold an attitude that is the same or similar to that of their parents, things will be much simpler.  It is like a Christian who believes, and tries hard to live according to the teachings of the Bible, and whose chances of sinning and offending God are subsequently greatly minimized.

There are two ways to view life: quantitatively and qualitatively.  People of the world usually overemphasize the quantitative aspect of life, namely, anything that can be measured by number or degree: how much money to make, how expensive an automobile to drive, how large a house to live in, how high a position to achieve, etc.  Many times these people already have more than enough of everything, but they still strive for more and higher.  Unfortunately, this never seems to satisfy them, and the end result is an unfulfilled and miserable life.

A person who believes in God and has learned from the Bible the value of the qualitative aspect of life, on the other hand, should realize that money, car, house, or position are not the most important things in life.  We all have heard of millionaires, generals and commanders, kings and emperors, even Nobel prize winners, who felt that life was hopeless and committed suicide, but nobody has ever heard of a truly happy person doing the same.  This simple fact clearly shows that the top priority in life is peace, contentment, and happiness, not anything quantitative.  Naturally, if one is blessed with knowledge, income, or position, as long as it does not contradict the teachings of the Bible, there is nothing wrong, but one should in any case live a holy, thankful, and productive life that honors God and benefits humanity, not one that "makes provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires" (Rom 13:14).  Inasmuch as we understand this truth, we should thus slowly indoctrinate into our children this correct philosophy of life.  Parents should not give luxurious clothes or expensive cars to their children, for them to show off.  Even if blessed with wealth, parents should still teach children the virtue of frugality.  The Bible teaches us, "if we have food and clothing with these we shall be content" (Tim 6:8).  If a person fears God and does all according to His will, he will have peace; if one can be content, he will have happiness, and all other things are secondary.

9) Do not provoke children to anger

Each child has his or her own personality and character, even two siblings; therefore, each must be treated accordingly.  Some children have a strong personality, and are reluctant to accept criticism.  These children may be best approached through suggestions, without compelling, discussing with reason, and persuading rather than ordering.  In contrast, to a child with an adaptive attitude, who easily accepts advice or guidance, one should try to lead with love, never impelling or pushing or taking advantage of his or her congenial personality.  No matter what type of personality a child has, a parent should never speak to them with sarcasm, using words like, "You're no good", "you shame your parents", "we've lost hope in you", etc.  This kind of talk has no benefit, except to allow parents to vent their spleen; it will certainly hurt a child's self-esteem.  Parents can only treat their children's shortcomings with sympathy and patience; any difficulty should be overcome with love, much as our heavenly Father uses love towards us.  A warm home is a place in which every member can trust and depend on one another, not a house of correction.  Another important Bible teaching that we should all remember is never to show partiality.  Do not give extra favor because one child is more obedient, better in school, or for any other reason.  Partiality not only contradicts God's teaching, it will cause friction and even hatred between siblings.  If parents use love as their most important tool towards their children, and influence them into doing likewise among themselves, then they have fulfilled a substantial part of their responsibility as parents.

10) Pray to the Lord to bring His good work to completion

We Christians know that children belong to God, who entrusts parents as His stewards.  We thus have the responsibility to bring them to God in the best way we can.  It is our belief that if a person can attach himself closely to God all his life, he will have endless blessings, like water flowing from a spring.  Therefore, from the beginning we have constantly prayed to God to bless our children spiritually, according to His will.

The year 1980 brought great joy to our home.  I and the two boys received the Holy Spirit in succession, and our daughter was moved and later also received the Holy Spirit after much prayer.  Thank God for granting the Holy Spirit to our whole family!  After receiving this gift, the children manifested apparent changes in behavior.  For example, they were no longer interested in noisy modern music, and turned to classical music and hymns.  They also had an obvious improvement in their spirituality in general, thus acknowledging that our many years of painstaking teaching and guidance had been along the correct path.  They learned to believe that, "under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to the men of skill, but time and chance happen to them all" (Eccles 9:11-12).  Everything is in God's hands, therefore all achievements, rewards, and glory belong to him, and all we must do is give thanks.

If properly brought up, children should be soundly grounded on the correct philosophy of life after high school.  At this point, parents should gradually increase their confidence in them, and train them to be independent.  Try your best to maintain confidence in them, so that they will have the feeling of being trusted by you.  They will then be more prudent in dealing with people and other things, in order to keep the trust which they usually value highly.

A very ordinary example is when children begin to drive.  After they receive their license, teach them to be very careful and responsible.  After a while, they will earn your trust, and there will be no problem when they want to use the family car.  In some families, as we often see on television, this can be a source of great conflict, because parents who are concerned about their children's safety and lack of experience are reluctant to allow their children use of the car.  The children then feel that their parents do not trust them and are still treating them as "children".  This overprotection on the part of the parents and frustration on the part of the children can easily cause friction and lead to unpleasantness.  If instead, you approach your children with trust, they will feel honored to have gained your confidence.  In truth, we should take the same attitude in all our interactions with our children, to promote their confidence and independence.

Some parents, realizing that school is a very important matter, are often over-anxious to have their children perform well, and therefore exert the incorrect tactic of putting pressure on them.  They may try to coerce or even force their children to get better grades, restricting their extracurricular activities and other means of recreation.  To us, these actions are extremely unwise, and almost always end up hurting rather than helping the children, It is highly desirable for parents to render the proper sort of help and encouragement to their children, but the last thing they need and want is more pressure or obstruction from home.  As mentioned earlier, each person has his or her own personality and characteristics.  A person who wants to get ahead will automatically try hard to achieve this; on the other hand, if a person does not care to climb to the top, outside pressure will only harm his or her self-esteem, and cause antagonism.  After all, top grades or high honors in school are not the only way to achieve; they may in fact be of little relevance to a person's future happiness.

When they have reached the proper age, children will face the important tasks of choosing a profession and a future spouse.  Our policy in these matters is that parents should only play the role of overseer or supervisor, rather than legislator or dictator.

This means that you can only act as a counselor and give advice or suggestions, but should not set any rules for them to follow, or issue directives that they must obey.  In fact, unless there is serious doubt, no interference should be made.  This philosophy is reasonable, because career and matrimony are the most important matters in your children's lives, and they should be the best ones to know what they really want.  A careful decision will prevent lifelong regret.

In the I 9th century, under feudalistic Chinese custom, parents would often betroth their children while they were very young, as well as deciding their future professions.  When society was still very simple and conservative, this practice might have been able to survive; however, when Western customs spread into China, feudalism was considered to be backward, and young people rebelled fiercely against it, resulting in countless tragedies.  Now that the 20th century is almost over and we are living in a democratic society, such feudalistic thoughts should have already become obsolete.  However, some people, hoping for great success for their offspring, still secretly decide on the profession their children will follow.  They wish that their children become either a doctor or a lawyer.  If a child happens to have a strong interest in one of these areas, naturally there is no problem, but oftentimes the child in fact has neither interest or potential proficiency in such an area.  Consequently, it would be a serious mistake if parents insisted on the fulfillment of their own phantom ideas.

In truth, as parents our utmost wish for our children should be their happiness, peace, and joy.  Their profession, amount of income, or position is not that important.  Therefore, if a child has a strong interest in a certain profession, as long as there is nothing detrimental about it, parents should not interfere.  Of course, if he or she chooses a profession in which income is derived illegally, or a profession that is clearly against Christian teachings (e.g. liquor store, casino operator) parents have the duty to stand resolutely against it.  Otherwise, all professions are acceptable.  There is nothing wrong with being a farmer or laborer as long as they are happy doing it.  A happy farmer is far better than a miserable doctor or lawyer.

Matrimony is the same.  If the child has a strong interest in a certain person, as long as there is no serious problem parents can only serve as a counselor, giving advice but not interfering.  In case there is a serious problem, recognized by the parents but not by the child, an honest and careful analysis and discussion should be undertaken between parents and child.  The child should understand that his/her parents' concern is due to their love.  Matters such as profession and matrimony are so important that we should naturally pray constantly, seeking God's guidance, and hoping every step we take is according to His will.

Finally, we are thankful, from the bottom of our hearts, to our Lord, who has kindly entrusted us as stewards of His children.  In this wicked and sinful world, bringing up children is truly an uneasy task, but with God's arrangement and guidance, it has been a smooth and pleasant journey for us.  Although there have been numerous fearful episodes of illness and danger, every one of them has been overcome thanks to God's power and grace.  In American society today, it is almost a constant worry of parents that their children become addicted to such habits as smoking, drinking, even drugs.  To us, this is virtually impossible.  Under the supervision of parents, Religious Education, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, children can be fully aware and understanding of the vicious nature of these habits, and the calamity they would cause.  Therefore, all things considered, it has been a truly pleasant experience and privilege to have brought up children for the Lord, to whom we can only feel deep thankfulness.

Thank the Lord, our children, though they still have much to improve on, will hopefully have no problems in their basic faith.  From now on, we can only respectfully turn them over to the Lord, and pray that He will continue to guide them and edify them, so they will live by the Spirit, walk by the Spirit, and live a life that will honor God and benefit man.  If chosen by God for His service, we should all make a great effort to serve Him, in order to hopefully repay a minute portion of His grace.

Hallelujah, Amen!

 

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